I Gave Up on Him…

alone_man-1440x900On the way to the park, Emma says to me, “Daddy…I hope there will be other kids there so that I have someone to play with.”  She’ll walk around the house with her dolls in her hands talking to Mia…”If you’ll just come back, Mia, I’ll let you play with my favorite toys and I won’t get mad.”  She comes up to me at random times and asks, “Daddy…can I go out on the porch and talk to Mia?”  Whenever she sees a butterfly, she chases after it calling out, “Mia!  Mia!  Come play with me!”

I was sitting in the living room the other day watching Emma play in the sun room.  She had all her dolls out, and she was playing out each individual role.  They laughed.  They got mad.  They were happy.  I was heartbroken.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  How am I supposed to be strong and guide this precious little girl through the loss of her sister when all I can think about when I see her alone is just that…she’s alone.

I had so many plans for the two of them.  They were going to grow up together the best of friends.  They were going to play soccer together…one feeding the ball to the other so they could score goals.  When one got knocked down, the other was there to pick her up.  And I felt sorry for the opposing player that committed the foul.  They had each other’s back.  Prom together.  Double dates.  Maid of honor at the other’s wedding.  There for the birth of their children.  Growing old together.

They all died in the blink of an eye.

I wish I had a warm and fuzzy post for you today.  I wish I could lift up your spirits and motivate you with some prolific words that God gave me.  I simply can’t.  Right now, my grief, in the second year since Mia passed away, has me firmly planted under it’s heel.  I can’t hear the words that God has for me.  I can’t hear Him.

Oh, I know how I’m supposed to handle this.  I know that I’m supposed to continue to give it to Him.  I’m supposed to “pray without ceasing”…to find my “strength in my weakness”…to “let His joy be my strength.”  The truth is, I don’t want to have to do any of this.  It’s to the point that I find myself getting irritated at people that try to offer me encouragement or tell me they’re praying for me and my family…for my little four-year-old daughter who is now vocalizing what happened that day because her maturity has caught up with her cognition.  She was there when it happened and saw it all.  And she remembers EVERY bit of it.  I know they’re just trying to help.  To give me some small measure of comfort.  And the thoughts and prayers are appreciated, truly.  It’s just hard to hear sometimes when you’re upset with Him.  When you feel as though you’re giving up on Him.  That was the reason for my last post almost three months ago.  Just a song.  Please, Father, say something.

This isn’t a “pity me” post or an effort to try to get you all to feel sorry for me.  I just wanted to let you know where I am in this season of my life right now.  I think deep down I’m also hoping that someone out there has some word of wisdom or bible verse that will trigger the road to rebirth.  Finding “new normal” sucks, and we’re having a bit of a time with it.

All I can do is say “thank you” to all of you for reading, following, commenting, supporting and praying.  I hope something I’ve written here will resonate with you.  If nothing else, I want to reiterate how fragile and fleeting life is.  NEVER miss an opportunity to hug your child and tell them how very much you love them.  One day you may be in my shoes and wish beyond all wishes that you could do that again face-to-face instead of to a marble stone in the ground.


28 responses to “I Gave Up on Him…

  1. Your post broke my heart – thank you for sharing your grief with us. You were created lovingly WITH your emotions…don’t be afraid to share all of them with Jesus. Yell, cry and just allow yourself to feel. Your grief is your own, and your journey is different from anyone else’s…I can’t even begin to fathom what you have gone through. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what you are feeling or not feeling, Jesus is covering you, and your family, in his Love and Mercy. Hopefully you feel the love and prayers from all of us, and take some comfort in that. Bernadette

  2. I was thinking of you a few days ago and was wondering how you were doing…now I know. I am 72. There have been times in my life when I was ready to give up on God…I won’t bore you with the stories, but I will tell you what I learned in those dark hours of loss and pain and desolation…in those moments when satan tried to rob me of my faith. The one part of God I have never seen is His back. When I didn’t think He was talking to me or even caring, I found countless words He had already spoke to me in His word. I immersed myself in each one of them…I chose to cling to Him, no matter what. He doesn’t have to explain anything to me…I trust Him and close every conversation between Him and I with, “Not my will, but Thine be done.”

    • Thank you Butch…I just saw this comment. And it’s appropriate, as I’m coming out of the fog even as I write this. I had never thought of it that way, but you’re right. I’ve never seen His back either. Blessings to you and Bonnie, Brother…

  3. WOW…..Guy….Once again, God has gifted you with powerful words to express grief in such a heart-wrenching, beautiful way. As always, the timing is just right because your heart overflows with the message that God intended you to share! Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your example and inspiration!

  4. I also wondered why you’ve haven’t been blogging. Thank you for sharing and being authentic. I understand! And I so appreciated the song video you posted. As always….you still manage to encourage me in the midst of your own grief. May the Lord restore the joy of your salvation! .

    • Thank you, Karen. I’m grateful that you were able to take something away from it. I’m also grateful that He can still use me through the storms…

  5. I could relate to much of what you wrote, Guy. I offer no flippant advice or verses. When I feel overwhelmed with grief, I simply remember that “Jesus loves me”. I sense your love for God, even if the feelings are fleeting. You will make it. If I could hug you, I would.

    • Thank you, Brother. Coming from you and knowing that we are walking similar paths, that means a lot. And I appreciate the air hug 🙂

  6. Reblogged this on Ephesians 5:16 and commented:
    Grief. Sometimes it is hard to describe our journey. Guy Wolfe has found the words to articulate the thoughts and feelings that bereaved parents can experience. I can relate to much of what he wrote.

  7. Touching, encouraging, and thought provoking. Cause to embrace my 3 girls a little tighter. Praying for you and I will check back to see how you are doing. Keep putting “pen to paper”. Remember David concerning the child born to Bathsheba. When he perceived that the child had died, he rose up and ate, bathed, and worshiped God. The servants were mumbling as to how this could be. David reminded them that this was God’s will and “he would see the child one day in heaven”. You too will see her again.

    • Thank you for the reminder, Ricky. That was one of the first stories God let me to shortly after Mia went home. Blessings to you and your family…

  8. I haven’t gone through the agony of losing a child but have expererienced other losses over the last 3 years. I’ve cried out to the Lord, I’ve railed at Him, I’ve thought He didn’t love me after all, at times I’ve thought it was stupid and useless to believe in Him still….. I’ve also experienced His love and provision and understanding. I’ve been blessed by His people and even though sometimes it’s only been by my fingernails I’ve held on to Him. My heart aches for you and I pray that you’ll be able to rest in Him again.

  9. I can only give you the words God gave me Guy when my world fell apart, (see below) No not with the loss of my Babies, I didn’t know He was real then, I had been deceived but when the Man I Loved, who I had thought would always Love me walked out leaving me confused and desolate.

    The heartbreak was very great and yet I didn’t give up, God has kept me strong and close to Him as He has with you Guy or I would not be writing this and you would not be reading it.

    He understands your anger, He did mine… why God I have tried so hard…why can’t I ever measure up, why am I never good enough to be Loved, why was I born, what good am I, why didn’t you let me die…. because He said I Loved you and knew you would Love me and not give up! you are my precious one, I hold you close and my Love for you will never depart, you are part of my heart and so are you Guy and your wife and children, you are very needed, someone is hurting greatly and needs to know they are not alone in the battle.

    Isaiah 43:1-3 – Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

    Lamentations 3: 33 For God doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

    Christian Love from us Always – our Lord and me.

    • Thanks so much, Ann…absolutely perfect. That verse from Isaiah really spoke volumes. And I appreciate the support and prayers! Blessings…

  10. Thank you too Guy, you have been very much in my thoughts and heart since I shared with you but I have often thought of you even when we were not in contact.

    It was strange though how I found you again, I still can’t work it out, I haven’t used Facebook for years but I was looking for something else on the Internet and noticed it was still showing, when I clicked on there was your name as one of my Favorites things, I don’t even remember my password so who could have put it there is mystery but if it gave you Hope than it was God’s leading regardless of who it was.

    I did hurt greatly Guy when I was abandoned but God intervened as I shared and continues to do so in many ways in my life when needed. Your persistence even now to seek God, and yes He in your heart and you have never really given up on Him or why would you have come back to call for His help and that’s what you were really doing even if you did not realize it because you were hurting so much. He keeps you strong Guy and your Love for Him spoke to me and still does as I’m sure it does with many others .

    Emma is not alone Guy, God is holding her hand as He holds yours, share with her how much Jesus Loves her, I have many hurting children in my street who sing Jesus Loves me and smile when they do.

    Yes it is very easy to sing Praises when all is well but to do so in times of pain and heartbreak is what Faith is, it’s all about Love even though your heart is breaking.

    Please go back Guy and read again your own messages and listen to your Maker who Loves you greatly, He was really the Author of all the good thoughts in them even if not the ones that came from your grief or wrong understanding.

    You are a man Guy after God’s own heart, hold onto that Truth always.

    Christian Love in our Unity in Christ Jesus – Anne

    • Thank you for such strong support, Anne. We truly appreciate it. He has been working on me for the last month, and I’m happy to say that I’m out of the fog. And you’re right…praising and worshiping and obedience don’t come easily when you’re down and things are tough. All I could do was pray…”Lord, please take this from me. I can’t do this without You.” One of the things I’ve learned through this, and in faithfulness to Him, is that it’s HIS timing and not my own. We may not want to grieve or mourn or hurt, but, if we allow it to, it refines us in Christ. That one will be in my next post….which is coming soon 😀 Thank you again, and blessings to you and your family.

  11. Guy,
    Please visit my blog and search on right for post called Find Me, and Prayer in the Dark. I appreciate your honesty that after 2 years you are just beginning to see some light. I lost my beloved 6 weeks ago and although we were both strong in the Lord, I have found myself so alone. I have not felt God abandoned me, but I am struggling to make sense of his death. My beloved, Shmuel, used to say God sometimes shows or allows us to see ahead what He wanted things to be like so we will not grieve the loss of those we love before their passing. We enjoyed each day as fully as we knew how, but as I sit beside his grave on our property, my mind knows he is gone, but my spirit, my heart, just hurt. Memories are like warning signs of flash floods up ahead and the dreams and visions we had of what the Lord wanted us to do have now become what i must do alone. Only one scripture keeps coming to mind: The life I now live I live thru him who died for me…Shmuel lived every day to bring me life, joy, love and in some way I must find a way to go on and continue that life within me and the life Yeshua gave us on the cross as a foot on the enemy’s neck that will break his power of pain, emptiness and lost dreams. We always used to say in our letters to one another…Love abides and so I must find a way to pull back the veil of grief and resurrect the love our “first love” gave us all. God help me tonight as the moon rises and I reach across the bed and he is not there to kiss goodnight and in the morning when the sun rises and I must reminisce on the words he always spoke, “Hello Darlin, you are most beautiful!”
    To end this note, I can say, and perhaps it will help, that I lost my sister before I was born and 6 siblings after I was born. I always lived my life, even before I knew the Lord as if I had to live for my sister who died and the siblings who never knew life. It would lead me to work labor and delivery and assist many mothers with bringing life into the world and also cry, hold and grieve the loss other mothers and fathers would face when I had no answers as to why their baby was gone. I have to believe that life, no matter how short, serves a purpose greater than we know and creates pathways we might never have taken without the experience of loss. God says He works all things for good for those who love Him and I know I do…it’s just hard waiting to see the good, but I’m trying and will pray for you and your family tonite. God be with you and watch over you.

    • Thank you so very much for this. I’ve not logged into my blog for a few months now, as I am unmoved to write. It’s not that I feel God has abandoned me, but He has left me to work some of this pain and agony out on my own…though He is ALWAYS there for me when I call. I am sorry for your beloved’s passing as well. I’ve had to condition myself to not say “loss” as he and my daughter are not lost at all. We know exactly where they are. I’m going to share this post on Faccebook with a few grief groups that I belong to. Your words have touched me deeply, where nothing has in what seems an eternity. Thank you for your comment and support. You will have our prayers as well. Be blessed…

  12. Thank you and praise God for your reply, Guy. I wept tears of joy that Father gave me words to bless you. I prayed perhaps that I could help someone know they are not alone and your post helped me to know that it’s okay if it takes a while, perhaps a lifetime. Two years may seem like a long time to some and those who are grieving, it feels like a lifetime. It has been 8 weeks today, and I get thru most days without sobbing, but my heart remains heavy and my spirit…bruised.
    The book, Heaven is for Real, helped me to keep it in perspective; and to remember as you said, they are not lost, but found.
    I know how I rejoice that my beloved is with our Father and I tried to put myself in Father’s place. How would I feel if he returned to me…outrageous joy! I lost my first baby very early and bedrest with the two I have. They were both premies but they made it. I look at them sometimes and wonder what the first child would have been like. I have cradled many children in my career both living and gone to be with the Lord.
    One couple, a pastor and his wife, delivered their baby boy, dead as I came onto my shift. I hurried to pull out all the tubes as they were waking up the mother. I will never forget her screams of grief. I was in charge of the task of preparing the baby for the parents and getting vital data on the child. We only trialed birthing rooms in those days and I went to the birthing room to get the father. I asked if he wanted to come and hold his baby in private.(he knew his son was gone). He came with me and I left him with the baby. I came back a few minutes later and saw him looking into his baby’s face and then clutching him to himself and sobbing. It hurt. I would later discover when they asked me to come as they prayed over their baby, that they were a pastor and wife who adopted several children, but this was their first natural born.
    I can’t say I know this type of pain, even though I have suffered the loss of a baby, but I can tell you that I was so touched by the love, gentleness, and faith that I witnessed in that room with both of them, their baby and the elders who prayed that day. I hope I can find that same moment of revelation to embrace the pain I feel with every song, every meal, every whiff of cologne but right now, I curl up in my empty bed and feel my Father’s arms around me as his child. A child who has known emptiness, pain, loneliness and love it must take to watch us as his children, weeping from enduring the heartache left of what could have, should have and might have been. I try to remember I am His child and as my Father he collects all my tears in a bottle.
    I can tell you by personal experience one day in prayer a few months ago, I heard a voice I recognized (my own as a child) and it was saying, the words, “Help me, Papa”. I wept because I knew that voice and those words. I was sexually abused when I was 5 and I had always wondered if God heard my cry. I never cried that day, never called for help for no one was available…and you know what, Guy? He heard me. 52 years later, He let me know He hears.
    So do grieve, do pray, do cry and know….God hears you and perhaps, your little girl hears you, too.
    My little grandson asked me today if Papa was coming back and I replied, through the tears…yes, papa will come back with Jesus one day and get us. He asked, “I gonna die? and I said, “yes” but then we will be with Jesus and Papa. He seemed content with that. You know what,kids do better than us. He could see I was crying, but paid no attention and just smiled and said, “I go, too?” Yes, Asher you go too. Children are so trusting, so simple.
    Father hears you tonite as He heard His Son, Yeshua, long ago….”Is there any other way?….but not my will but Yours be done. He took on a bride with so many problems, so dressed in the world’s darkness and as I have also prayed, “Was there no other way,Papa?” “Could you not have taken me?..please, take me!!!!” His will is done and so those like ourselves must have a greater purpose that we are called to witness by writing so that others may know when the ashes have turned to beauty, when joy comes in the morning….that God is faithful to make all good that appeared so unfair, so awful. In your situation, He has received one beautiful little girl back to Himself. She will not know this life but she will know the Lifegiver and He provides a place where there is no pain, no tears, no disease….only Love.
    Sleep well, tonite beloved brother in the Lord. He says, Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart. In that yoke, we are joined to Him. So let us walk together with him and learn the way of handling this season so that we will be found the same, looking forward to life, humble, gentle, and giving a testimony for the children we still have. My prayers remain in His bottle of memories past, but not forgotten.

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