“I walk alone through the woods…thinking of you. Are you watching me as I go? Do you see the tears that fall unchecked down my cheeks? They are for you. They are because you’re not here. The landscape all around me seems to lack any color, any life. As I gaze up at the muted sky (it seems to mimic my mood) I wonder if you see me looking for you? I wonder, when will this season change? When will there be a new Spring and a beauty to come of these ashes? I know He says there will be. He promises to make all things new. I pray He does it quickly.
We were graced with you for an amazing three months and thirteen days. If we had known that you would go so soon…so suddenly…we would still bring you home. We would still make these precious few memories with you. We would still hold you. Smell you. Kiss you. Tickle your nose to make you smile. Listen to you cry. What I wouldn’t give to hear that loud, painful cry.
I can’t begin to tell you how much you are loved. I can’t begin to express the sadness that surrounds all of our hearts (mine and your mom’s especially). What I can do is tell you how much you’re missed.
Tomorrow, you would be one. Later this month, you would be experiencing your first real Christmas. How perfect you are to me, Baby Butterfly. How perfect in every way. How breathtakingly beautiful.
Call me selfish, but I want you here so badly that it feels as though my heart will burst. It doubles me over in agony to know that I have to “celebrate” your first birthday in a cemetery. I shouldn’t have to release balloons to honor your memory. I shouldn’t have to place little mementos at your grave. I shouldn’t have to close my eyes to envision your precious face.
Please, God. Please. Please make it stop…please make this unbelievable pain go away. I don’t want it any more…”
I promise there is a much lighter message to this post. I needed to share the above with you first to contrast where I was the day before Mia’s birthday (Dec 5th) to where I am now…rejuvenated with the strength and peace that only He can provide. It was written before I wrote Embracing the Pain, and while I feel like this roller coaster of emotions will never end, I now know that I have to take full advantage of the highs while I have them. They make the lows a little more bearable and, well, a little less low.
When I sat down this morning with my coffee and Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue (a writing tradition that my grandfather gave me when I was only 12- writing to classical music with that one being my favorite), I prayed as I always do for Him to guide my thoughts and my fingers for His honor and glory. As I was praying…or maybe before, I can’t recall…the word comfort came to mind. The verse I was led to as I looked “comfort” up in the concordance was this:
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is merciful and the source of all comfort. He comforts us all in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Comfort. Peace. Silence in the cacophony of what our world has become. These are things we pray for and enlist the aid of others to pray for us as well. According to this verse, He gives them all. In fact, I can honestly say that I’m comforted now because of our troubles. Whether it’s being behind on the bills (as I’m sure a lot of us are right now, given our economy), or having to find a job right before Christmas, or dealing with relationship issues (which tend to be compounded when grieving), God’s comfort is greater than ALL of these.
A SIDS grandmother (for you, Lynn :)) posted on my Facebook page after I requested prayer for our family. She offered those prayers, and she also encouraged me to blog. She told me that, “You have a gift of saying what I am feeling and it sure helps to see it in writing.” After reading 2 Corinthians this morning, I’m certain this is for her. I’m certain that this is for everyone else out there who are having difficulties and trials of their own this Christmas. Look to our Father Almighty for comfort, and He will give it to you. Share that comfort with those in need, and He will give you even MORE comfort of your own. He will shower His favor and His blessings on you and those you support.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and blessings. They are continually felt by me and my family. I pray you all have a very merry Christmas. I pray you all are blessed abundantly for your faithfulness and pray peace for you and your families.
Here’s a Christmas message I came across the other day. The real reason for the season, it brought tears to my eyes…