As I sit at my desk and write this post, I’m reminded of God’s timeliness. You see, for the last hour or so, I’ve done nothing but stare at a blank computer screen and cry my heart out. I’ve been trying to write a post in the form of a letter to Mia on this, the eve of her first birthday. This pain at her loss seems so unbearable sometimes. It’s so overwhelming that it completely immobilizes me. And up until about five minutes ago, I was helplessly in its grasp.
One of the things that I do to combat my grief is cry out to God for help. It says in the bible that “my help comes from the Lord” right? Well, here I am…doubled over in agony…vision blurred from the tears…gut-wrenching spasms rocking my body to the core…pleading with Him to take this pain away. And He does…
I’ve been working on a book about our testimony and how we are overcoming our loss, trying to turn this tragedy into triumph. When I finally stopped crying, I was given “embracing the pain” (I think that’s going to be the title of one of the chapters). I turned to the outline and jotted the phrase down. With each chapter, I’m using a bible verse as inspiration, so, as my custom has been, I turned to the concordance and looked up the word pain. The very first verse is exactly what He wanted me to see.
“Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant my desire. I wish He would crush me. I wish He would reach out His hand and kill me. At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I don’t have the strength to endure. I have nothing to live for. Do I have the strength of a stone? Is my body made of bronze? No. I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success.” -Job 6:8-13
As I read the verse, I was amazed that this describes me to a tee in my moments of weakness…those times like a few minutes ago. When I read the study guide’s interpretation, I couldn’t help but smile…
“In his grief, Job wanted to give in, to be freed from his discomfort, and to die. But God did not grant Job’s request. He had a greater plan for him. Our tendency, like Job’s, is to want to give up and get out when the going gets rough. To trust God in the good times is commendable, but to trust Him during the difficult times tests us to our limits and exercises our faith. In your struggles, large or small, trust that God is in control and that He will take care of you.”
It hit me then and there that THIS is what He wanted me to write. Not just for a chapter in the book He’s giving me. No. He wanted me to get it out there right now. So, here it is. Embrace the pain. The mark of a faithful Christian, someone who follows God through EVERY season of their life, is their strength. Strength through adversity. Strength through life’s difficulties. Strength through tragedy. I’ve had my moment of weakness today. And I’m quite sure that there will be many, many more to come. At least now, after the crying and calling out to Him, I can look that weakness and pain in the face and say, ” “Bring it. You won’t beat me.” It would be so much easier to lay down and do nothing. So much simpler to throw in the proverbial towel and give up. But that’s just what the enemy wants me to do. And I belong to God…and He’s greater still.
Happy Birthday, Baby Butterfly. I wish you were physically here with us to celebrate, but I know you’re all around us still. Soon, Mia. Very soon we’ll be able to hold you again and watch as you blow out the candles on your cake. Until then, I’ll close my eyes and dream of you often. Daddy loves you with every piece of his broken heart.
This is just perfect for a one-year-old. Love the colors and the flower, and I think Mia would, too :D.